Relationship and FEAR

Lifewriting/Firedance Forums Lifewriting Relationship and FEAR

Its about being in a relationship with an experienced woman.

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    • #102
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Hi Steven – some more things popped up:

      ” Wow! What a woman! ” – that sentence from you – what does YOU impress so much about what I´ve told about my couple? Do you like her style??

      You also talked about “inner work” – I think you`ve meant meditation by that…

      On another place you`ve talked about developing my inner females side – so I dont get “scared” by the sexual relationships she had with other guys….

      How to develop my inner female side?

      According to what possibly hurts me about that she had sex with so many younger guys is that I am maybe afraid those have a much better sexual stamina (young age = more testosterone).. Just an idea..

      all the best.
      D.

      • #147
        Daniel Riewe
        Participant

        Hi Steven.
        Incredible. But the pain according to the past of my girlfriend gets better. I dont know why – maybe I just get numb.
        Its ok that she did all that in the past – I just dont like having her as a girlfriend – many guys talk about that the past of a woman does not matter, but when they ARE WITH ONE they are not that cool anymore – they want to have sex with her and then choose another woman.

        And my girlfriend submitted to that “system” (sub?)consciously.
        Its ok, I still have a bad taste that she was/is so easy to get – that is something that really still bothers me.

        And believe me, I work A LOT on myself right now!!!

      • #105
        Steven Barnes
        Moderator

        “What a woman”–you could look at a woman of sexual experience as someone to teach you, help you open up. The choice is yours.

        I’m not really feeling the specific idea of “developing” your inner feminine side…but I do think you need to get in touch with it, let it nurture you so that you aren’t so desperately hungry for that nurturance from outside yourself.

        1) Are you meditating? What kind, how much?
        2) Are you performing your Morning Ritual? Movement, thought, emotion all flowing together? Tell me about it.
        3) Are you crystal clear on WHAT you want, and WHY you want it? In all four quadrants: body, career, relationships, finances? If not, get on it!

        • #106
          Daniel Riewe
          Participant

          Ok. I keep in touch with that lady to learn and open up sexually.
          I dont know if a long term relationship will work out though.

          You`ve told me that my wound can be healed sufficently… does that it wont bother me being with a woman much more experienced than me?

          what really bothers me is the “fact” that you tell me that the problem is 100% on MY side.. That makes me feel really bad – I feel like the weak, immature, stupid, unevolved part of that relationship – that sucks – and she is the sexual open, total liberated, free, strong woman. that really bothers me.
          There must be an advantage from my side also…

          And yes I still want to be her best lover – it must be possible to be the best, even if she had more lovers than me and even if they have been 10 years younger than her normally (of course younger guys must have a much more intense sexual stamina).

          For the goals:
          1) Financially: I would love to at least be able to pay everyday expenses from my clients alone
          2) Emotional: I would be able to be in that relationship and NOT suffer anymore and maybe add another woman to the equation. Sexually I would love to became some kind of “Sex God”
          3) Meditation: Your ancient – child yoga nidra.
          4) movement: swimming and yoga, sometimes tai chi…

          Thanks Steven.

          • #108
            Steven Barnes
            Moderator

            All of your problems in this relationship are in your own heart. So are any advantages and positives. You have to love yourself enough to trust that you can heal and grow. Let’s look at your goals:
            1) Financially: I would love to at least be able to pay everyday expenses from my clients alone
            2) Emotional: I would be able to be in that relationship and NOT suffer anymore and maybe add another woman to the equation. Sexually I would love to became some kind of “Sex God”
            3) Meditation: Your ancient – child yoga nidra.
            4) movement: swimming and yoga, sometimes tai chi…

            1) Your financial goal should be abundance. Set it 50% more than the most you’ve ever made in a year. It is reasonable to expect an increase like that yearly–needing only that you get 1% more efficient and effective weekly.
            2) Emotionally, you need to love yourself, then find another person to extend that love to. “Sex God”? I love it! Finding that within yourself would make it possible to stand in the light of a “Sex Goddess” without wilting.
            3) Meditation. You mention a means, not an end. What do you want? “the Ancient Child” is a means to accomplishing an end, not an end in itself.
            4) What is the quality of physical performance you seek? Is swimming or yoga your goal, or are they MEANS to those goals?

            Clarify, and try again!

            Steve

            • #109
              Daniel Riewe
              Participant

              Thanks Steven.
              For the first time it seams I take myself REALLY serious…

              1) As I lived in poverty for so long its unusual to do that. But ok, why not.
              2000€ a month income would be great… Right now I make around 1000-1200 €/month I guess with which I can survive (and amazingly enough) and enjoy my life – so I dont REALLY perceive a lack of money. but I get some support from the state – which almost fully pays my health insurance
              2) I started caring for my inner child (finally) – lots of pain coming up. I did not know I had that pain – it got/gets triggered by the relationship with my girl and here past. Very nice that you love the “Sex God” – I thought you`d ridicule me for it.
              But that would be my REAL AUTHENTIC Goal. But(!): I did not have that money lovers like her (around 45) – I think I had around 33 (maybe I forgot some). And her normal lovers were around 10 years younger than her (high on testosterone). So still if it would be possible – I LOVE that goal
              3) What can I want from the meditation? Yes I have a Sankalpa – main of all though I want a healed heart and ENJOY walking my path without suffering from the past of my girlfriend.
              4) I would LOVE to do those sports instead of HAVING to do them to reach some kind of goal with them. Just become a natural athlete. Something like that.

              Again: Can I FULLY heal the pain with that lady? You mentioned that we are not set for a Relationship. Friday in around 8 days we go to a sexual therapist (scratching together some money for it) – cause youve mentioned it would make sense, if I want a relationship nevertheless.

              Thanks again for talking me serious, not ridiculing me – Any refinement necessary for my goals? Do you need my sankalpa?

              Greetings,
              Daniel

            • #113
              Steven Barnes
              Moderator

              I’d enjoy hearing your sankalpa. Mine is “1% daily improvement of my Morning Ritual.” It used to be “1% daily improvement in amplitude and congruence of body, mind, and spirit” but that is harder for an eight-year old to understand, and that’s how old my Inner Child is. Don’t worry about your relationship with this lady. Your focus should be on your relationship to your own wounded heart. Take care of yourself, be loving to yourself and you’ll have love to offer others. No human beings are together forever. I adore my wife, but am not concerned with “forever.” I’m concerned with treasuring her today. One day at a time.

            • #114
              Daniel Riewe
              Participant

              Ok.
              But I think you are with a different kind of woman.
              You´ve heard the story of mine a little – I suppose yours does not jump into bed with guys into bed after knowing them just for a few hours.
              And I suppose also your wife is less experienced than you..

              I still contemplate what to do.

              Can I use this technique instead of yours (yours ist “just” listening to the heartbeat for 20 minutes??):
              https://yogainternational.com/article/view/heart-healing-meditation

              Thanks.

            • #115
              Steven Barnes
              Moderator

              Daniel, if you want a woman with less experience than you, fine. But the fact that this one has more is NOT her problem–the problem is your reaction. And your emotions are 100% yours. I’ve dated women with more experience than me, and I’ve dated virgins. In no case was their experience their problem–that’s all in your head. Want a different lady? Fine! But don’t try to make her wrong for your emotional storms.

            • #135
              Daniel Riewe
              Participant

              Yes. I am now 100% clear that it is NOT her problem.
              We just have different approaches to sex. That is triggering me.

              She f.e. had a date with a guy – and they REALLY did not like each other. So they made clear they will never date again – but she still fucked him that evening.

              I just have a HUGE challenge understanding that!? I like to sleep with people I really like – and THAT is driving me crazy, that she fucked people she really did not like!!

              I REALLY want to work on this, but I am slowly really afraid I am to weak/intelligent enough – its not judgement anymore – I just dont get the attitude!

              Thanks.
              D.

            • #137
              Steven Barnes
              Moderator

              1) you don’t have to understand it.
              2) It might simply be that she enjoys sex, for its own sake, totally separate from other considerations.
              3) Of course, she probably has issues. You certainly do. You guys wouldn’t be attracted to each other if you weren’t equals on some level.

            • #120
              Daniel Riewe
              Participant

              I will simultanously continue on the thread:

              “Write my own heroes journey”

              (Also see you there!)

            • #117
              Daniel Riewe
              Participant

              Steven Thanks.
              Slowly, slowly my “knot” opens. And in all that “mindfuck” I slowly find LOVE towards that woman…

              And yes I am ready to go MY path now instead of hanging around in HER past!

              Here is one more question (repeated):

              Can I use this technique instead of yours (yours ist “just” listening to the heartbeat for 20 minutes??):
              https://yogainternational.com/article/view/heart-healing-meditation

              Thanks.

            • #128
              Steven Barnes
              Moderator

              Yes, Daniel. You should experiment, and use ANYTHING that works better for you than my suggestions! IF you stop getting the desired result, default back to Heartbeat Meditation, and try something else. It is imperative that you find your own way.

    • #101
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Could you explain what that sentence means:
      “The first step is loving yourself enough that none of your self-image comes from other people.”
      ?

      • #104
        Steven Barnes
        Moderator

        When you really love yourself, you don’t much care what other people think about you. If you NEED them to approve of you, you are behaving like a dependent child.

    • #100
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Just saw your answer, Steven…

      I confronted myself a lot with that woman… (constructively) – still a hell of a growth…

      Still have an issue that she did what men “normally” do – picking up “youngster” – she normally had one-night-stands with (a lot) guys that where around 10 years younger…

      Somehow I got thru the rest of the pain (dont know how though – maybe I just did not resist the pain anymore (?)).

      So I can focus on myself maybe soon again instead of hanging around in her past…
      Still asking myself WHY it hurts.

      Even if I had less lovers I still can be an excellent lover, or? Is this a competition?
      I could go for more lovers now, because I get more self-confident….. in the past I probably lost a LOT of possibly sexual encounters `cause of my insecurity…. What a pity.

      But so it is.
      Happy new year.

      Daniel

      • #110
        Steven Barnes
        Moderator

        You don’t need a lot of lovers to be a good lover. But you do have to learn, and grow. And genuinely love yourself, and relish women. If you help her feel delicious, you’ve hit the mark.

        • #111
          Daniel Riewe
          Participant

          Slowly the fog gets clearer…

          Some topics still remain:

          1) How to handle the pain I get from this?:
          For me having Sex with her is incredibly beautiful and she also loves it.
          How can I handle the fact that she did all the incredibly beauty including very intimate sexual practices with guys she just has known for +- 2 hours (!!!) – That somehow devaluates the beauty of the sexual experience we have together – she gave that precious gift to guys she didnt really like/found stupid – just because she found them physically attractive – she was not very picky (just physically) – I never did that. And I simply cannot understand.. Maybe you can help here – as said it destroyes the magic fully.
          2) Why does it hurt so much she had almost only (lots of) guys that have been around +- 10 years younger than her?
          3)Can that wound REALLY be healed? – the stories/information/pictures in my head and thereby the (uncomfortable) emotions become more and more and more because she brings up more and more information
          Thanks.

          • #121
            Steven Barnes
            Moderator

            You now have enough information to answer your own questions. I can still help you, but I want to watch you “plug” your questions into the answers I’ve already given you.

            1) Your discomfort with her sexual history is about you, not her. It’s like picking up a rock and bashing it against your head, and blaming the rock for being hard. The rock is just a rock. If you can’t handle how hard it it, it is YOUR issue. Either stop, or accept it for what it is.

            2) Why are YOU so insecure? Why does what other people do or say mean so much to you? Why aren’t you supplying your own emotional needs, and not expecting her to be…well, “Mommy” to you. “This feels wonderful! Why isn’t it just for me???” Every single time you try to make her wrong for being herself, you are missing a chance to learn about yourself.

            • #123
              Daniel Riewe
              Participant

              Thanks Steven.
              I think I will find my way out soon – even if I dont know why..

              Could you explain me what this exactly means (I think is the language barrier):

              You now have enough information to answer your own questions. I can still help you, but I want to watch you “plug” your questions into the answers I’ve already given you.

    • #87
      Steven Barnes
      Moderator

      Look, you have different issues here. The first is that you are insecure. The second is that you are deriving your self-image from others, and the third is that you are very judgemental.

      Your key to all of this is self-love. Do you use the Ancient Child meditation?

      • #92
        Daniel Riewe
        Participant

        Yes. I do that meditation (it is the Yoga Nidra Version with the inner garden with the guardian?)

        Good you are still available…

        This meditation ALONE will do the trick? No outer work necessary?
        Would sleeping with more beautiful women help? The pain is hidden there anyway.
        And: Even if I had less lovers than her – cannot I be a fantastic lover anyway?

        What to do about that insecurity??? the judmental thing got much better, but now the PAIN is much much worse as a “bill”.

        What does “I derive my self-image from others” mean exactly?

        Thanks.
        Daniel

        • #93
          Steven Barnes
          Moderator

          Your fear of being inadequate causes you pain. You could reframe this and think of it as the learning experience of a lifetime! Wow! What a woman!

          What you need is that inner connection. The outer work is healing your finances.

          Mind = Finances
          Emotions = Relationship/sex
          Body = Physical exercise, health, fitness
          Finances = Income and savings

          The inner spiritual work is the meditation. The external circumstances determine what is actually happening. Take DAILY action to strengthen your body, finances. Meditate. Relate lovingly to this woman, and note that ALL of your judgements are your shit, your fear. She is a great mirror for you.

    • #86
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      As said before: I want to be honest with myself… Men tell me: Be strong/more alpha etc. and yes of course I want to authentically LOVE my woman being such a porn-star. But it bothers me – and I dont like being weak of course – but I suffer from it – and the last I want is being judged for that “wound” – it SUCKS.

      But it bothers me and I dont know why (!!)…
      Mainly because she had one night stands with older/younger guys.
      she also cheated her ex-husband before she married him to “test” if she really wants to be with him – so she went into bed with 3 guys in rapid succession to test if she does not prefer that “lifestyle” – she never told her ex-husband.

      maybe I am afraid she cheats on me too… And yes – I think I missed my youth (possibly) – as said – I am not sure.

      D.

    • #85
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      You mean the meditation which is a modification of yoga nidra with the inner garden with a guardian?

    • #84
      Steven Barnes
      Moderator

      The first step is loving yourself enough that none of your self-image comes from other people. None of your sense of worth comes from other people. That means that your “needy wounded abandoned child” must be smothered with hugs and kisses, as well as disciplined when he throws tantrums. There’s your work. The “Ancient Child” meditation is perfect for this.

    • #80
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Thanks, Steven.
      One year would be End of September 2017.
      I cognitively accepted her past – now I have to heal the (unlogic) emotional wound. Don`t know why it hurts. She also was with a guy who had plenty more sexual partners than she had – it did not bother her at all..

      And yes, Steven, I would love to be stronger and less judgmental, but I want to be authentic also… I REALLY work on this topic and yes, I am ready to go for money now (but PLEASE: money I earn with SOUL).

      And yes, maybe leaving is the right decision, but if I leave I dont want to leave ´cause of weakness but because of INSIGHT.

      Of course, I dont want to be a weak and judgmental man, but if she triggers pain all the time – what is the use for the two of us? It does not matter whose fault it is – it is poison for the relationship.

      I have more time now again and I REALLY want to work on this.

      Daniel

      • #116
        Steven Barnes
        Moderator

        Again, no one is telling you to stay. I’m saying that if a woman is 5’10” and you are 5’9″ and you want a woman shorter with you, the extra inch isn’t her problem. It is yours.

    • #73
      Steven Barnes
      Moderator

      I would either leave, or ask myself where the insecurity comes from. Confess that it is my problem and that I hope she will help me learn where my wounds are, with a commitment to heal them. I would meditate and journal, and find teachers who can help me. And accept that it will take time. I gave you a year to heal. The rest of this is just emotional pus being squeezed from the wound. Have faith. Do the work. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON A DAILY BASIS TO FACILITATE HEALING? Keep a record. And remember: your emotions are YOUR responsibility, not hers.

    • #72
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Steven, honestly, not from a perspective as a coach: How would YOU handle the situation I am in?

    • #70
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Hi Steven. Finally I managed to find the way to the new forum.
      I will follow your advice. I just dont like when a woman talks explicitely about every details when she fucked the guys in her past – that is not very compassionate. But ok. I deal my shit.
      Crazy is that it seems to be 100% MY problem and not even 1% HERS. So why did she leave all those guys before me – inlcuding 3 year-long relationships. Have those guys ALL been to weak? Was she never a part of the challenge?
      I dont want to go in therapy with her – I´ve seen too many therapists in my life.

      I will open a new thread for my new “own” path.

    • #67
      Steven Barnes
      Moderator

      It’s about you not dealing with your fear. I believe that you need to heal the wound that limits your finances. Do that, and you’ll be more secure, and see what needs to be done more clearly. This lady has the right to keep talking about her past–she needs and deserves to know that you aren’t going to judge her. If not, she CANNOT trust you and should not fall in love with you. You have to handle your shit, dude. Or walk away and let her find someone stronger and less judgemental.

    • #66
      Daniel Riewe
      Participant

      Its about being in a relationship with an experienced woman.

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